I skipped yet another kids' birthday parties

I was suppose to go to yet another of my friends' kids birthday party but skipped it, preferring to going out with single friends and having some drinks and adult conversation.

It's horrible, but I have very little interest in children.

It's horrible because my friends try to get me to interact with them and their kids. I mean it's not that I don't like children, but I'd prefer to spend my time with adults.

I get invited to birthday parties, and this and that, and well, I can only do those things for a few hours. Generally, when I go to those things I do it wondering what other adult will be around.

Yeap, I don't have kids. I don't think I will have kids. This means I'm -SCREWED!!! - Why? because most of my friends will have children eventually. That means I better grit my teeth and start liking all those kids things soon, or later. I'm probably going to be on the later side.

I dig that my friends with kids can't live without them. I can't live without my dog either. OK - that's not true. After losing my first dog, I realized that I can live without my dog. It's hard but I can do it.

I guess I also don't get the desire of spending time with a little person that forces you to lie. Kids force you to lie because you always have to act better around them than you normally would. So you're always lying to them, and can't ever be yourself. I thought the point of growing up is accepting yourself and being yourself. But nope, we lie to kids so they know better. This is funny because in the end, they will no better but act badly, just like we did.

Still, I know that in order to spend time with my friends with kids I'm going to have to suck it up and just do what everyone else does - grit my teeth, put on a smile, and watch my mouth around the kiddies.

I thought a short vacation could change my world

I went on vacation to England for a couple of weeks.

I think I wanted my world to change. Maybe change by having me get together with Paul. Paul's my English friend, the one I went to visit. When my world didn't change, I began to rage against it and myself.  I got depressed. I hated everything.

So, I then told Paul I liked him, wanting him to step in and change my world.  He didn't.  He was nice and didn't say he was flatly not interested but simply said he was "flattered."

I guess that was worse. I think got angry at myself: for not being skinny, for not being white, for not being English, for not being pleasant enough.   Something is missing.

The funny thing is that I sometimes liked Paul, but mainly I didn't.  I didn't feel any chemistry between us. Our personalities sometimes clashed in a way that made me miserable at just being around him.

I remember sitting in my hotel room one morning and crying. I cried because he seemed so cold to me. I cried because he seemed to cringe at my touch, like when we took the train together. I thought perhaps it was him being British, not wanting any public display of affection, or maybe being disgusted at having me, a dark skinned person, touch him.  I noticed his repulsion from the first day. I tried to control myself, I'm a very touchy person. I think that was just what begun to make me feel too ugly, too fat, too dark, too immature for his sophisticated/stuffy British ways, too playful, too open, just.. too.

The being too dark is of course my own fears of being disliked by white people, or being thought as ugly- all remnants of my colonial scarred mind.

The thing I can't reconcile in my mind is that I thought he liked me before, when he came to America a couple of years ago. Maybe spending so much time with me did it. Maybe he's changed. The only argument against that is that I felt his coldness the moment I arrived.

I then got jealous every time he mention that Hungarian girl he had a relationship with years ago, which lasted two years. I'd get jealous every time he told me about the things they did: going to Monte Carlo, driving from England to Hungary, staying at some beautiful lake.  All things I'd love to do. But would I like to do them with him?  I think sometimes I did, and other times I wanted him to disappear, or just stop being so g'damn polite.  I mean, sometimes he just looked upset with me but instead of saying something, he'd put on a polite Brit smile and be so civil I could've thrown cabbage at him.

Yes, cabbage.