I was in the train

On the way to work this morning I just started writing.

So, I decided to sign up for a public blog, for many reasons. One being what I wrote below while riding the train to work today. I think maybe if I try to put more of my thoughts down then that will help, at least that's what I always hear people say so I figured I'd try it.

The blog has to be public, to satisfy the narsarssist in me. ( I'm currently reading "The Culture of Narcissism." More on this particular book to come) But it absolutely has to be anonymous because generally I'm ashamed of some of my thoughts and they also make me feel guilty. I was raced Catholic, so that right there explains the whole guilt thing.

Here it is:

I am so angry and in so much pain that a lot of times I just want to hide. That's why I seek friends and lovers, I want them to help push the anger and pain away. I feel lonely when I don't feel pain or anger at the surface, and at those moments I find myself looking for friends or lovers to help me. I think I want a guy to love me but maybe I just want someone, anyone, to cure me from the pain.

Trying to push the pain away I sometimes hurt myself. I starve myself because I think I can't get friends or lovers because I'm so fa. Mind you, most would say I'm not fat, but I deep down don't believe this because I'm just not as skinny as I want to be. I hate my fatness and myself for making myself fat. When I lose any weight then anything sets the pain off and I binge eat. I eat when I'm lonely. I eat when with friends. I try to control how much I eat but generally I have no breaks. I can control my eating when I'm starving myself. So either I don't eat or I eat a whole lot. I don't understand how to eat normally. I don't even know what that is. I think I use to know. I think in college I knew. But even then I remember starving myself.

I never thought of starving myself till elementary school. My mother use to say I was fat so I couldn't be her daughter. My cousin, who was super skinny, should be her daughter or was more like her daughter, she use to say. So I started not touching the school lunches. I'd have maybe the fruit cocktail. Even that was too much. I'd go home and refused to eat because I ate so much at school. Still I couldn't resist the cookies, icecream, all the sugar filled crap. This sweet tooth is the worse. Sometimes I think I'm going to get diabetes, and sometimes I want to get diabetes, I think then I'll control my eating sweets.

I know all this sounds really fucked up, and maybe I am. I sometimes think I'm a real nutcase, then I get some revelation from my friends and feel better. It sucks to feel better about yourself because other people are suffering, or are kind of crazy, but I do.