I saw my sisters

I've always said I wish I had a sister. I guess that's because I have no biological sisters. Well, not exactly. See my dad had a daughter with another woman, way after he and my mom got divorced. Either way I don't really know her.

I've always leaned on my cousins and my girlfriends for that kind of stuff you're suppose to get from sisters. To be honest, I can't really name the stuff, but I know what it is. I see it in my friends and cousins with sisters.

Well, this last week I found out my cousin had a very aggressive form of cancer. She is 27. She is an Iraq war Vet. She is sooo strong. I love her. I've always known this, but I guess this past 10 days I have felt it almost every second of the day.

She was always a tiny little thing. She is 5 years younger than me and we were best friends when we were little. Sadly, when I became a teenager, hanging out with my 8 year old cousin was the last thing from my mind.

I still remember her like she was back then: long neck, super thin body, wearing cute ruffled dresses (tho I suppose we were all victims of that kind of fashion), chlorine stained front teeth (when she had teeth), and really happy. I guess she isn't that dissimilar now, except now she's full of life's scars. We all have them. I have them and I see them in her. Her scars weren't made the same way as mine but I recognize them. I empathize with the hurt and anger, and it hurts to see them on her. To not be able to heal them. To know that it's way too late to prevent them. Yet like all scars, they have toughen her up, perhaps to a fault.

When we were little, we'd sit on her livingroom couch and watch Carebears and ET (like Aaaaallll the time). We'd play dress up and smear our faces with makeup, bright red lipstick of course. We had such great and innocent times!

I now wonder when exactly I decided she wasn't cool/fun enough for my morose teenage butt. I know we moved so that made hanging out harder. My memory has her, then it switches to school and my angst filled butt hiding and hating my mother for quite a long time (prob 14-17).

Now she's grown and for some time now I have wished we could go back to being inseparable. But it's hard, life has happened. I left her alone when she needed me. I wasn't the only one but I was one of them. Now she thinks she doesn't need me or us.

I wish she knew that though she may not need us, we need her. We need her here, healthy, happy, smiling, clubbing. Oh yeah, she's one if those posting every time she went to the club. And that made me smile. I was always so happy to see she was having fun and enjoying her youth, lord knows I enjoyed my 20s.

So yeah, only now do I realize that though I looked for sisters all over the place, I have always had them here. I have a lot of sisters really. I just hope I can show them and I hope I can be a better sister than I have been so far.

I am hardly the most religious person, but right now I pray. I pray all the time. I pray for my sister. I thank God for each day she is here. I thank God for the chance to help her fight. I pray for the fight to last as long as possible. I pray for her to win.