I woke up crying

I sometimes find my dreams both a curse and a blessing. I've had many wonderful wonderful dreams. The kind that make you wake up with a smile, and a bit of sadness for having left the dream. I've also had many sad, ugly, and upsetting dreams. This was one of them:

Abuelo (grandfather) died when the clock said 5:51

I went into hospital where my cousin was working as an assistant but Abuela (grandmother, dead almost a year now), who was there kept calling him doctor. Franklin joked that she thought he was a doctor. Abuela was attached to a UV cord that was really long. As I walked, Abuelo came towards me and fell on me.  He was crying and in a lot of pain. We dropped to the ground, I couldn't hold him up. Then Abuela turned to me and said the doctor wasn't giving him enough drugs.  As she said it, the counter attached to Abuelo's UV cord stopped at 551. Abuela's was still going pass 700.  I yelled crying and wailing for the doctor who was standing watching us to call someone.

That was the end of the dream. This dream, by the way, started with me flirting and almost hooking up with Rich.

I woke up crying, sobbing really. I called my mother, she said what I had been repeating to myself for a while "it's just a dream." I now try to talk myself into calming down, before I use to just let the emotions roll whichever way they wanted to go.

My grandfather is still alive. He's currently trying to get laid. He was always a dog, always cheating on my grandmother, always bad to her. After she died he was so upset, I thought he would die. A few months later his former mistress was hanging around him and I think my aunt said she saw him sporting some viagra. Yeap, that's gross.

But I find that guys do that, a lot. I lived with a guy, two months after we broke up he was trekking through Europe with some other chick, and they ended up getting together for years. Another boyfriend started to date someone a few months after we broke up. A year later I told him I was seeing someone and he flipped. Apparently I was suppose to become a virgin again.

Men are such weird things. When I was younger I really wanted to be a man. Being a woman, particularly in a Hispanic family is extremely hard. I was never allowed to go out with friends, stay out late, do normal stuff. Nope, I had to be at home. When I was about 13 my brother told my mom he would no longer wash dishes. We had been alternating dish washing days before. He said, "I'm a man, and man don't wash dishes." She said to me, "Go wash the dishes." I remember the fury inside me. They're lucky my fury could not materialized because I'm sure it would've turned into a giant dog and just bitten their heads off. Well, I held out for a few days, but after a serious beating I begun to wash dishes every night till I left for college.

I now love being a woman. I'm not sure why. Maybe is because men have hurt me so much, and I don't understand how you do that - on purpose! I also know that women are much stronger than men, and I see men's weakness and find it repulsive. Women are beautiful, smart, strong, and caring. Why is that a flaw? It's not.

my mom brought up the age old question

"So you're not going to have kids huh?"

I thought she had give up on the idea, but I guess she hasn't. It's really funny.

The interesting thing is that this time I answered her honestly, without being defensive, sarcastic, or annoyed. I told her I don't think so. I explained to her the following things: I like my life. I don't want my life to change. I don't want to spend money on a kid. I want to use my money on myself. I want to travel freely. I want to hang out with my friends freely. I want to do whatever I want. I'm selfish, and I know it. I also know that children are a choice, so why would I choose something I know would change my life in a way I don't want it to change. I have a dog, and the nurturing I give to her is enough, at least for now.

I don't know if I'd choose to have children even if I got married. I have no innate desire to pass on my genes. At that, if I get married, I'd like to enjoy my life with my husband. I'm very big on the idea that you should get married to someone whom you love emotionally and physically. I'd like to have sex many many times - a day. That's how much I'd like to desire the person I'm with. If things cool down and it drops to just a few times a week then that would suck, but it's still better than what I hear from my married friends. I mean, kids kill sex lives. You can't do it anywhere but hidden away in the bedroom, and quietly. How boring! I'd get married to be happy with this new person, not to bring another life into this dog-eat-dog world. It's not even that, I mean I don't think the world is a horrible place and we shouldn't bring kids into this world. Not even close. On the contrary, I think smart people should have more and more kids (but they're usually smart enough not to have many), since usually the dumb and uneducated people are the ones that have lots of kids. I'd hate for that movie Idiocracy to come true.

Still, everyone I know who has kids. Well, I'm not sure having kids has been that great for them.

For example, most guys I know with kids then have the issue of: having the kid with someone they're not married to and don't like. Having a kid with someone to whom they're married to but now would love to leave but will never leave because of the kid. Either way, it seems like such a trap.

On the other hand, the women I know are all devoted mothers, to the extent I sometimes think it's not that healthy. What I mean is that their lives are consumed by their children. They can't see how their lives are basically simply that - their children's lives. I'm dreading the day when these kids grow up and these women are stuck at home alone. The sudden realization that your life just walked out the door to college, or whatever, and has no interest in even calling you.

I just don't like it. I see it, from the outside, and I just can't buy it.

Take a look at this New York Mag article on how miserable most parents are. I glanced at the cover of the magazine about 2 hours before mom brought up the "baby" topic. Funny huh?