I woke up crying

I sometimes find my dreams both a curse and a blessing. I've had many wonderful wonderful dreams. The kind that make you wake up with a smile, and a bit of sadness for having left the dream. I've also had many sad, ugly, and upsetting dreams. This was one of them:

Abuelo (grandfather) died when the clock said 5:51

I went into hospital where my cousin was working as an assistant but Abuela (grandmother, dead almost a year now), who was there kept calling him doctor. Franklin joked that she thought he was a doctor. Abuela was attached to a UV cord that was really long. As I walked, Abuelo came towards me and fell on me.  He was crying and in a lot of pain. We dropped to the ground, I couldn't hold him up. Then Abuela turned to me and said the doctor wasn't giving him enough drugs.  As she said it, the counter attached to Abuelo's UV cord stopped at 551. Abuela's was still going pass 700.  I yelled crying and wailing for the doctor who was standing watching us to call someone.

That was the end of the dream. This dream, by the way, started with me flirting and almost hooking up with Rich.

I woke up crying, sobbing really. I called my mother, she said what I had been repeating to myself for a while "it's just a dream." I now try to talk myself into calming down, before I use to just let the emotions roll whichever way they wanted to go.

My grandfather is still alive. He's currently trying to get laid. He was always a dog, always cheating on my grandmother, always bad to her. After she died he was so upset, I thought he would die. A few months later his former mistress was hanging around him and I think my aunt said she saw him sporting some viagra. Yeap, that's gross.

But I find that guys do that, a lot. I lived with a guy, two months after we broke up he was trekking through Europe with some other chick, and they ended up getting together for years. Another boyfriend started to date someone a few months after we broke up. A year later I told him I was seeing someone and he flipped. Apparently I was suppose to become a virgin again.

Men are such weird things. When I was younger I really wanted to be a man. Being a woman, particularly in a Hispanic family is extremely hard. I was never allowed to go out with friends, stay out late, do normal stuff. Nope, I had to be at home. When I was about 13 my brother told my mom he would no longer wash dishes. We had been alternating dish washing days before. He said, "I'm a man, and man don't wash dishes." She said to me, "Go wash the dishes." I remember the fury inside me. They're lucky my fury could not materialized because I'm sure it would've turned into a giant dog and just bitten their heads off. Well, I held out for a few days, but after a serious beating I begun to wash dishes every night till I left for college.

I now love being a woman. I'm not sure why. Maybe is because men have hurt me so much, and I don't understand how you do that - on purpose! I also know that women are much stronger than men, and I see men's weakness and find it repulsive. Women are beautiful, smart, strong, and caring. Why is that a flaw? It's not.